In less than a month, it will mark two years of living in North Ogden. This post was difficult to write because there are so many emotions involved with this subject. This is my quest for the meaning of home. I still haven't figured it out yet.
Right now I am on a journey. I am on a quest to discover what "home" means. The longest I have lived in a home is seven years. I hear the phrase, "home is where the heart is." However, my heart feels scattered in pieces across the country, in places I have held dear and with friends and family I sorely miss. So what does home mean? In less than a month, Ben and I will have lived in North Ogden for two years. Two. That is the longest I have lived anywhere in eleven years. As I wrote about in my second blog post ever, I had moved thirteen times between the ages of fifteen and twenty four. I had moved twice by the time I was eight. That's fifteen moves total. I have lived in another country and in multiple states in the West. I grew up thinking that moving is a way of life.
With its absence, I realize that moving had become a part of my identity: seeing new sights, meeting new people, and packing and upacking boxes to fall in love with another new area kept life full of adventure. Knowing that Ben and I may end up in this general area for forever is a different kind of perspective that I have never experienced. It sometimes makes me anxious to think that change happens so slow in "real life," unless you're the one doing the changing. I am on a quest. What is home?
Right now I call North Ogden home. When I'm on a trip, I say I am going home to North Ogden. Ben's there, our home is there, and much of my heart is there. How did North Ogden become another home?
Because Ben was already into his career, we had a designated radius from Ben's work office that we knew we wanted to move to, and we felt like North Ogden is where we needed to be. North Ogden is where my practicum and student teaching were assigned before I had any knowledge that we would be getting married or moving here. I am so grateful that I had the assignment to teach here. I fell in love with the GOODNESS of these kids here--from the middle school to the high school, these kids are amazing (which has been reinforced to me since working in Young Women's). It also helped me realize the charm that this town possesses and that it is quite different from downtown Ogden. Although I love North Ogden, it was never a place I imagined I would be living for a long period of time.
Some dreams change.
Ever since I was little, I imagined getting married and moving to a far-off land (or, rather, to a different state) with my spouse, starting on a brand new adventure, together. Let's just say, my both sets of my grandparents did that and my parents did that--I thought that's what you did. Even though I love many things about Utah, I never in a million years imagined me living here. But. This is where we needed to be.
A couple of months ago, I was starting to feel the restlessness of needing to move, the craving for adventure and living out in the "mission field," and wanting to no longer be known as Ben's wife or as a Browning when I attended things in the community but as me (Ben grew up around here). We pondered, fasted, and prayed so we would know what this restless feeling meant. As I was walking around the outside of our home, I came to the knowledge that this; yes, this, North Ogden, is where we need to be. Forget the days where downtown Ogden reeks of the smell of dog food from the factory (I call them dog food days), forget that shopping feels so far away, forget that BYU supporters are few and far between, forget that I get asked daily what high school I went to because most in this area live here forever, and I have to answer, "not here." This is where I need to be.
I see the confirmation of this all around me. I am blessed with an abundance of friends here--the kind that say exactly what you need to hear and watch out for you, the kind that you get together with for book club, a cover-up for a girls' night, the kind that you have walking groups with, the kind that you know are there for you, even in the hard times. I am surrounded by an amazing ward family. We live in an area that has the most stunning 360 view. We have neighbors who have surprised us and snow-blown our driveways. I work with the most amazing young women. I now feel closer with my mom's heritage who settled around this area. Yes, yes, this is where I need to be. I am not saying this to boast but to help remind myself that sometimes life is not all about adventure, change, and sight-seeing. Right now, I am learning to be here. I am learning to let my heart settle down. I am learning to love a home in a more committal way.
Home is where the heart is, and my heart is beginning to belong here.
Yes, some dreams change.
Ben and I seeing our home for the first time since we bought it! No, the rainbow was not photo-shopped in. The sprinklers ended up making a snazzy effect :)
What would I do without these two girls? Their sweet third babies are both coming soon!
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When I see this picture, my heart is full of gratitude for the wonderful friends that surround me.
