Faith has been on my mind. Isn't it true that in the depths of our sorrow, our faith pulls us up and keeps us going for the promise of a brighter tomorrow made possible by our Savior? Without faith, life would seem so grim, so painful, so final.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."-Hebrews 11:1
"Cast not away therefore your confidence"-Hebrews 10:35
"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."-James 1:3.
These are a few of the verses that have been fortifying me through the last few weeks.
After we were given a 5% chance to have biological children by our doctor in early September, we immediately started the adoption process. Adoption has been on my heart since the early spring. I desperately wanted IVF to work, but for some reason whenever I heard about adoption after our first failed IVF, my heart would get all tingly. I didn't know if this would be for future children down the road or if it meant something else.
Once we had our doctor's verdict that biological children would be unlikely for us, we felt like we needed to get on the adoption process right away. About one week after grieving the last IVF and the news that we may never have biological children, we started right away on our adoption journey. There are so many hoops to jump through with the adoption process. We were checking off the list as quickly as possible, but there's only so much you can do because paperwork, etc. is dependent on others' timelines. We even experienced a one month hold up because of my fingerprints. Apparently, I barely have fingerprints. The first time we went to have them done it took about 40 minutes, just to do mine! The machine would barely register them. They then came back rejected on our background check because they weren't "readable." (I have been told I would have made an excellent criminal--think of all the cookies I could have stolen undetected!) We then went to two other places to have them re-done and then had to wait an additional month to learn that they were finally approved. We could finally move forward on our adoption journey--yay!
After so much working and waiting, we were SO excited to be approved to adopt! We decided that when we were approved to adopt, we were going to treat it like we were expecting. We have felt that adoption is in God's plan for us, so we were going to be excited and plan for it like we were going to have a biological baby. With the final approval of our fingerprints, we knew we should hear we were approved to adopt and estimated we would by or on December 16th.
The morning of the 16th I was so, so excited to think we were going to be approved to adopt! It would be like we were finding out we were pregnant! The night before I had been throwing up. I thought it was indigestion. I was two days late in my cycle, which never happens to me, so I thought I'd take a pregnancy test. This was my 55th cycle since trying to get pregnant. Whenever I take a test, I pretty much expect them to be negative. After 55 months of "negative," I saw a positive! I was so, so shocked, I could hardly believe it. I immediately started to pray and ask Heavenly Father "Is this real?! We are supposed to be approved to adopt today. Are we supposed to adopt too?!" Looking back, I really think I was in literal shock because my brain had a barrier to let myself think it was real for the first few hours of knowing. It was so unexpected. We had just been told that we would most likely not ever get pregnant and then 3 months later...what!? All of a sudden it clicked why I had been so sick. I immediately knew I wanted to tell Ben in person. I told him to come home early if he could. I wrote on two mirrors "Hi Daddy!" and put the positive test beneath it! I had been dreaming of this moment. I wanted to think of something more creative, but in the moment all I wanted to do was tell him the news we had been waiting years for. When Ben came home and saw the mirror, he was totally shocked. We were so elated and happy and in shock (did I mention shock!?). 2.5 hours later we found out we were approved to adopt! It was like finding out you were pregnant twice in one day!!!!! We started praying if we should still go forward with adoption, and we strongly felt like we should.
The amazing thing is, even though I physically felt pregnant, I had prepared myself to "feel" like I was expecting with our adoption. The only difference was I would be able to see what a biological child would look like, feel the feelings and bonding of pregnancy and know a general due date! Other than that, I had been mentally preparing myself to be a mom soon, pictured myself having sleepless nights, reading parenting articles and tips, etc. The ironic thing was our pregnancy confirmed in our hearts even deeper that we needed to move forward with adoption.
Two days after we found out we were expecting, we went to California to be with my family for Christmas. Even though I didn't feel the best and didn't ride any adult rides at Disneyland, I was just SO BEYOND happy to be pregnant. We could talk about names, possible due dates and all the other lovely pregnancy stuff I have heard friends and family talk about for years. All of a sudden I was entered into the exclusive club of women who have been pregnant! The moment of telling Ben, telling our family the news, and thinking of a life growing within me were sacred and cannot be adequately shared here. It was a beautiful and amazing two weeks that I will treasure forever.
Because we had been going to an infertility clinic for the past year and a half, they wanted to see us when they learned of our pregnancy (you can go in earlier than you would to a regular OB). Three days after our CA trip, on a Friday we went in for the ultrasound. I was pretty much beaming. The nurses and staff were ecstatic for us since they had seen us through much of our journey. As the ultrasound showed up on the screen, I heard our doctor get kind of quiet and say "that looks too small for where you should be." I immediately knew something was wrong. They did labs and told us they would call me with what they would find. They called me that night and told me that I was still pregnant, but they needed to see me two days later on Sunday, New Years' Day, morning in SLC. I was pretty sure that the pregnancy was going to end with the fragile way they were talking to me.
Poor Ben had to give a talk in church and a lesson on Sunday, but first we had to drive to SLC to hear the news. At first, our doctor told us he was concerned I was having an ectopic pregnancy. He did another ultradsound and was relieved to know it wasn't ectopic, but it was a miscarriage. He told me the miscarriage process would start in the next few days. This was the confirmation of what I already knew in my heart--the pregnancy was over. It was interesting timing to start miscarrying on New Years' Day. I was feeling sick, down and behind on my New Years' goals and behind on working on our adoption profile. We feel this timing will make sense one day, just not today.
Throughout the next week as the miscarriage proceeded, I felt love from the family members and a few friends who knew--from dinners, ice cream, cupcakes, flowers, and a package--the love was what kept me going. My sweet mom wept with me on the phone. Their love lifted my heart. Ben and I have kept comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father knew this miscarriage would occur. He knows what is best for us.
The emotional pain of having a miscarriage is still there. It still hurts. Somedays my heart still aches, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. Maybe one day we will have another surprise pregnancy, but we deeply feel that adoption will increase our family too. Without faith in a loving God, it would be so easy to feel bitter, but realizing that Heavenly Father's plan is there to maximize our eternal happiness and growth can make these painful experiences sweet.
Faith is what is keeping us going. We have faith that Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need. One day these tears of sorrow will turn to tears of rejoicing. Going forward with adoption is an act of faith. We do not know how or when it will happen, but we trust God that He knows. I know that Heavenly Father loves us. He is aware of us. He is our Father. We have a Savior who has felt the very same pain. He knows what it's like to have 55 negatives, one positive for two weeks and then have that taken away. He knows what it's like to have our exact challenges--the ones that are public and the ones that are private. He can succor us because He has felt exactly what we feel. God wants what is best for us. Every trial we endure is to bring us closer to Him, if we let it. I know that one day this infertility journey won't be my current story and one day I will see it all more clearly. And until then, I can cling to my faith in the Plan of Happiness and know that we are to have joy!
"But as it is written, eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."-1 Corinthians 2:9
