Connor's Adoption Story: Part 3~The Call That Changed Our Lives

The week after Josh's funeral, we knew we had to make a game plan of what to do when we got "the call" that the birth mother was in labor. Because we had mixed signals--the birth mother thinking the baby was coming early but the doctor not agreeing--we weren't sure if we should go out early. We knew we wanted to be there as close to his birth as possible so we could meet Connor right away but weren't sure when to go out. Ultimately, we decided my mom and I would leave on August 8th. The due date was August 17th so if the baby came early, we would likely be there, but if the baby was late, I would spend time with my family who lives in California while Ben worked. Then when we would get the call, I would be right there to meet Connor and take care of him, and Ben would fly immediately down. We knew that for legal reasons we would be in California for a minimum of two weeks, but we also knew that if there were any medical challenges or legal complications, we could be there for even longer (you have to wait to leave the state for out-of-state-adoptions for a designated amount of time, which varies between states.) Because we could be there much longer than anticipated, we knew we would want our car with all our baby gear.

In the car after getting the call. 

My mom and I started making plans with family about fun things to do while we waited in California. It had been a busy few weeks with so many important family things going on, and so on the night of August 3rd, Ben and I finally had a night to ourselves. We had to make a decision: clean the house like crazy (since it had been neglected the few weeks before when we were mostly in Ogden with family) or just relax. We decided I had the whole next day to clean, and so we opted to relax. We enjoyed a show and just being together. We hadn't heard from the birth mother for a few days so we were thinking it might not be quite time. Little did we know it was our last night of pre-parenthood.

On Friday, the morning of August 4th, at 6:50 am, I woke up hearing Ben talking on the phone. I could tell he was talking to the birth dad because they were talking about an Uber ride, which was a frequent point of conversation. All of a sudden, I heard the word "epidural." I shot out of bed like I had been struck by lightning as Ben came back into the bedroom. I was freaking out--"Was that the call!?" He said, "That was the call!" We wanted to start packing everything in the car as quickly as possible, but first, Ben had to set up an Uber to get the birth dad back to his apartment from the hospital so he could get a few things for the delivery. We were so ecstatic but in total shock. It wasn't how we had anticipated getting the call because the plan had been that the attorney would call us to verify the hospital had our info and knew we would be coming. The other unexpected part was that instead of being born in the hospital we all had been planning on, the birth mother was in a totally different hospital thirty minutes away from where we were planning. When the birth parents had called the ambulance, they were in a town I grew up in, Murrieta, so the hospital she was taken to was not expecting us nor did they have our paperwork. Even though it was stressful that the hospital didn't have the right paperwork, we were relieved it was in a town I knew well! Once the Uber and hospital logistics were worked through, we were packing as fast as we possibly could--I didn't know it was possible to get two weeks worth of necessities so fast. We knew if she already had had her epidural, it could be anytime! Luckily, we had already packed all of Connor's baby stuff in his nursery, so it was getting us packed that was the hard part. Leaving the house dirty for at least two weeks was hard for me, and I was regretting not cleaning it the night before (but at the same time we were living up our last night of pre-parenthood, haha), but we knew we had to leave FAST!

We got in the car and arranged to meet Ben's mom on the side of the freeway to pick up a pack n' play (lifesaver!). A shower was planned for me by Ben's side of the family the very next day, which was so sweet! Many had gone in on a group gift and had purchased a pack n' play, which we were hoping to use in California. We picked it up, and then we were on our way! I was sad I missed the shower by one day but was so elated we were on our way to meet our baby boy.

We had been talking a couple days before about how we would rather get the call and leave to CA together with that adrenaline rush, as opposed to me going out with my mom and then going by myself while Ben caught a plane. Although it was so much better that it happened the way it did, it ended up being a very quiet car ride. There were a lot of nerves--would it all go okay? Would the birth parents like us in person? Would the hospital accommodate us? (Some hospitals let the adoptive parents have a hospital room with the baby; some don't, and some of it depends on the time of the birth and their volume of patients.) Were we going to be good parents?

Only a couple of hours into the drive, we got a call from the birth mom saying, "He's here. I had him after two pushes." I asked her how she was feeling, and she said, "Much better!" I was so relieved to hear she and Connor were okay! But I was so sad because we still had 8-9 hours to go, and it broke my heart knowing we weren't there. The birth mom felt that it would be too hard to see him (she was very insistent about this), so he was immediately taken to the nursery. We called the hospital and asked how he was doing. They said he was "peacefully sleeping and waiting for us in the nursery." We heard he was 7 lbs and 19.5 inches, but the hospital was not allowed to send a picture to us, so we would have to wait until we got there. (I am now glad that it happened this way so we could see him for the first time in person, but at the time, it was hard!) They relieved our fears and said they would have a room for us to stay in when we got there.

The worst part of the drive was nearing and exiting Las Vegas. We ran into the Friday Vegas traffic, which I didn't know existed, and I wanted to shout to everyone, "Our baby is sitting in the nursery waiting for us! Everyone, move!" Mean, I know!

As we neared the hospital, we got a call from the birth dad and the attorney that the birth mom and birth dad were waiting for us to come and wanted to meet us. Then they would be immediately discharged from the hospital, per their request. We were anxious to meet these two people whom we had come to know and love!

Once the hospital got in view, I stepped out of the car, knowing our lives would never be the same. We were greeted by the hospital social workers, who were so nice, and taken upstairs. Before we could meet Connor, we were scheduled to meet the birth mom. We entered her room, and I just loved her! She had made me a mom, and I am forever grateful for that! She was bubbly and smiley, and we both talked about how we looked like our pictures. She said she was in pain all night, but thought it had just been back pain until this morning. I expressed my feelings towards her, but there are some things words just can't capture. It was a moment I will have etched in my heart forever more.

We were then summoned by the social worker and hospital nurse to sign paperwork. The nurses were so supportive and wonderful! The hospital was a Seventh Day Adventist one, and all of our nurses talked about how involved God is in adoption--we loved it. We went and signed paperwork (by this time, I was dying to meet Connor! Like, my heart was going to explode! He was eleven hours old.) After we signed the paperwork, I asked if we could finally meet him. She said "let me bring you to your room, and we'll wheel him in."

We anxiously awaited that little bassinet being wheeled in, and when it was, we saw the most handsome, sweet baby boy we had ever beheld. He had blonde/strawberry blonde hair and the cutest face. Minutes after meeting him, Connor was so alert. He gazed at us, and we knew he was ours and we were his. The feeling of peace in the room was indescribable, and we had a feeling Uncle Josh had been able to see us and help us meet our baby boy.

Meeting Connor for the first time

 

 

We were with Connor for twenty minutes when we heard the birth dad had come back to the hospital to meet us. We took turns going to meet him, and he was so nice! He greeted us with a hug and was so friendly and he joked about what great taste they had in choosing us--so sweet. The birth parents had to get going, but we told them both how grateful they were that they chose us, and that we would love to send pictures when they were ready.

 

Once they left, we turned on some soft lullaby music and just fell in love with Connor and being his parents. Everything about him was so perfect. We had been waiting for him for so long. We were finally parents, and he was totally worth the wait. We started our nightly bedtime routine, and it was beautiful. We were in the hospital for two days before we were discharged (he had to stay an extra day for observation because he had no pre-natal care).

On the way from the hospital to my parents' home, we discussed how miraculous it was to go to the hospital in the same town that my parents were trying to sell their house. This meant that we could stay there after we were discharged--thanks to my generous parents! The hospital is also only ten minutes away from my Grandma! What blessings and tender mercies! This meant that we didn't have to stay in a dumpy hotel for two weeks with a newborn baby. Instead, we could live more than comfortably in my parents' home with family visiting!



We had to stay in California for two weeks to be cleared to leave the state with him (normal CA protocol.) In the waiting, my mom stayed with us to help; my dad came to meet Connor; my grandma came and visited multiple times; my brother and sister-in-law came with their kids and we had a blast together! Towards the end, Ben's parents came out for a couple of days! It was so much fun to show them where I grew up and for them to meet Connor. Then it was time to head home. We did a twelve hour road trip over two days with a two week old baby, which I wouldn't recommend, haha, but all things considering, Connor did wonderful.

Connor has been such a sweet and mellow baby. He is very observant and loves to just look around and take everything in. He loves to smile when you baby talk to him or sing. He loves having a schedule (so far.) Connor has captured out hearts, and somehow it feels like this was always how it was supposed to be.

Connor's Adoption Story: Part 2~The Wait

We were officially matched, and I couldn't believe it! The attorney sent us ultrasound pictures of baby boy and a picture of the birth mother, and it made it feel so much more real! The birth parents desired a semi-open adoption, meaning communication throughout the pregnancy and then pictures and updates afterwards. The birth mother and I texted back and forth each week the first few months, and I got to know little tidbits about her. I am so grateful I had that opportunity! We also had the opportunity to get to know the birth father, which is more rare in the adoption world, but we are so grateful we were able to!

One of my first purchases for Connor! 

Waiting through the match was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I went from actively trying to find ways for us to adopt every day to processing the "just waiting." It was hard not to worry if the birth parents would change their mind, even though there were no signs of that happening. The birth mother was reluctant to go to doctor appointments and so we only had the one ultrasound to cling to for the entire pregnancy. It was hard not getting the medical updates to see if the baby was okay. For me, the match and wait was an act of faith. I kept having to tell myself that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. Having faith was the only thing I could do because everything else was out of my hands.

At first I was nervous to buy things in preparation for the baby, but Ben kept encouraging us to have faith and that if this baby boy was supposed to be ours, the worst thing we could do was to not get excited because we were too nervous to get attached. So we were cautiously optimistic. I started slowly getting the nursery ready. Step by step, it made me realize--wow, we really will be parents one day one way or another!

Although it was fun to start preparing for the baby, whenever I went to Babies R' Us or any baby related store, I felt a little like a hypocrite. A child was growing in my heart, but what if I was just dreaming? I saw all the expectant mothers walking around, and I felt out of place. I kept putting off buying baby boy clothes because I knew that would make this baby seem so much more real, which was exciting but vulnerable. For the last few years of infertility, baby clothes stores were hard for me to enter. Adorable, yes, but painful for my heart. Finally, eight weeks before the due date, I took a deep breath and entered the first baby clothes store. I was actually nervous to enter! As I bought our baby his first outfit, pure joy filled my heart. I knew that this baby was already so loved by us as much as I was trying to protect myself from being hurt. 

To sum it up, the wait during the match was a roller coaster. Some days were so exciting and some days were filled with worries of the "what ifs." However, the birth mother assured us she would not change her mind, and that was such a relief to us. 

Early on into the match, we knew that we wanted to name this baby boy Connor, a dear family name to me. Having a name picked for Connor made it all the more real. We prayed for Connor each morning and night. We talked about him. And, oh, how we wished for him! We could not decide on a middle name. Nothing felt quite right. When Ben's brother's cancer returned full-force in July and we knew he would be returning to his heavenly home, we knew we wanted to name him Connor Joshua. Josh had been such a strength of faith, perseverance, hard work, charity, fatherhood and more. He truly left a legacy of faith. We miss Josh so much and will always tell our children what an amazing Uncle Josh they have. Connor's earthly entrance and Josh's earthly departure are so intertwined for us; Josh passed eleven days before Connor entered the world. The month before Connor's birth was a whirlwind with our family focusing on Josh's last moments here, but there was no where else we would rather have been. As we prepared to say a mortal goodbye to our dear brother, we were preparing our hearts to be parents to this sweet baby boy. So many sacred experiences touch our entrance and exit from this world. To see the holiness of both events in such a short span reaffirmed to me the eternal nature of our spirits and that families are forever. We lived before we came here, and we will live again!

In June, Connor's birth mom told us she thought he would be born early. We didn't know how early that meant, and so ever since June, we felt like we were on stand-by. Our phones were always out and we incessantly checked them. As our match went from five months until the due date, down to four, then three, to two, and finally one, it started to feel more real than ever before.

Through the spectrum of emotions that comes with adoption, the sweetness of friends and family sustained me. I had some dear friends throw an adorable book-themed baby shower for me, and my cousin and sister threw a BYU themed baby shower for me. The generosity and well-wishes of others really touched me. Others' excitement gave myself permission to be excited, and I am so grateful for that! I was looking forward to the family shower Ben's side was throwing, but due to unforeseen circumstances, they threw the shower without me.

To Be Continued...

Connor's Adoption Story: Part 1~The Match

There were so many miracles in Connor's adoption story. We have decided to share them as a source of hope for others in similar situations. We also want to share our faith that we know it is because of Heavenly Father's gentle promptings and weavings, that we found Connor's birth parents--we are so grateful they chose us! It is because of Heavenly Father's tender mercies, he is in our arms today. The Lord's timing is perfect, even when it doesn't feel like it. 

We started the adoption process in the beginning of September and signed with an agency on September 23rd of 2016. We started full-throttle, trying to get everything done as quickly as possible. We kept meeting time delays no matter how fast we worked on our end (so much of the adoption process is "hurry up and wait..."--we had to get fingerprints re-done twice, we crossed into the holidays, which slowed down everyone we needed to hear from.) Assembling a profile, answering questionnaires and filling out mountains of records filled most of time.

We finally were approved on December 16, 2016, the same day we found out we were expecting but later miscarried. You can learn more about how that experience re-confirmed our decision to adopt by clicking here: thttp://browningvignettes.blogspot.com/2017/01/faith_23.html. After we were approved, it was time to celebrate Christmas with family. Once we got home, we announced to the social media world that we hoped to adopt. (Thank you for your love, support and endorsements. It means the entire world to us!)

Once we were approved, we were told numerous times that because we were a couple with no children, we would be placed with a baby quickly because statistically that is more likely. In my head, I really thought it would be fairly fast. But the more I learned about our agency, I learned that it was honest and ethical but had long wait times. We had already been waiting so long to grow our family so we did as much self-advertising as we could. Some days I felt so desperate. Our agency encouraged us to take brochures about unplanned pregnancies to clinics, etc. directing expectant mothers to their agency. I will never forget walking into clinics and sheepishly asking if doctors could take these brochures in case they came across any patients who were in an unplanned pregnancy and wanted to explore the option of adoption. It was a very humbling feeling for me--knowing that I couldn't be a mother on my own and would have to rely on someone going through a hard time. I participated in social media campaigns to spread the word and joined every adoption FB group I knew about that posted about expectant mothers seeking profiles for adoption. I had quit my job in September to focus on the adoption process full-time. It really was full-time for me. Every day I woke up reading everything I could about how to get our profile exposed, how people could learn about us through various social media platforms, etc. It was emotionally draining.

Along the way, we were contacted directly by two expectant mothers who had found us on social media who wanted to get to know us better but eventually both stopped contacting us. We also heard about possible situations we might be considered in. (You, dear friends, were so generous to get the word out and we cannot tell you how much that means to us! So many adoptions happen via word of mouth.)

By early March, not once had an expectant mother officially looked at our profile. I felt like Heavenly Father was giving me a sense of urgency I previously didn't have. I was drawn to a consulting group in GA with an outstanding reputation that places so fast (like a few weeks to a couple months)! The thought that we could be considered by expectant mothers multiple times a week and potentially have a baby in our arms sooner than later sounded so exciting and like such a relief to the roller coaster we were on. We went through their application process and were a day away from submitting our application to work with this Georgia adoption consulting group when on a private FB post on March 23 I saw a post about an expectant mother due in August with a Caucasian boy. At the bottom of the posting with all the details it said the adoption office was in Temecula, CA. Temecula is in my blood! It's where I grew up! It is where I lived for sixteen years. Something in my heart just thought--this is too coincidental. I have only seen five or six situations and for one of them to be in Temecula?! Not only that, this baby boy was due in August. August. The month I was due before my miscarriage. It felt like Heavenly Father was guiding us. The crazy thing is if we wouldn't have had our miscarriage, I don't know if we would have submitted our profile. August seemed so far away at the time. For those who know the adoption world, a five month match is LONG and kind of risky. The August seemed to pull to me. Ben and I both agreed to put in our profiles (our first real submission to an expectant mother seriously considering us).

After the exhilaration of learning all the "coincidences" we found out more to the story that made us nervous. After I submitted our profile, I heard some not good stories about the attorney that this expectant mother was working with. I started to hope we weren't chosen because the situation sounded like it could end up being more complicated than we were thinking. Also, adoption laws in CA were much different than UT laws, and that made me nervous. Very nervous.

On March 24th, we heard that the birth parents had narrowed their choices down between us and another couple. We were shocked and didn't know how to react because of the new information we had. The birth parents wanted to speak with us and then decide. That Monday, the 27th, we spoke with them (most nervous phone call of my life!). They wanted a couple to love and spend time with their baby boy, and knew they couldn't give him the life they wanted to at the time. After the phone call, I still had no idea who they would choose. I was also still riddled with worry about the attorney and CA adoption laws. I then had a good FB message chat with a fellow adoptive parent on a group who had used this attorney. She said that it wasn't a perfect experience, but that the baby was supposed to be in her family

 Then my sister was talking to her neighbor about how we were hoping to adopt and the neighbor said "We used him! He is reputable in the adoption world and was great for us!" The chances that her neighbor in Idaho went through the same CA attorney were uncanny. That reassurance calmed my soul. My sister put it best "You are not adopting the attorney. You are adopting the baby." Sometimes Heavenly Father uses rocky seas to get us to where we need to go. Through lots of prayer, we felt like we should continue on this journey!

The next day, we got the call...we had been officially chosen to be the parents of this baby boy! With the tender mercies we had, we went forward! Was this real life!? Were we really going to be parents!? It seemed too good to be true! We felt so honored to be chosen by the birth parents, and I started chatting with the birth mom right away to thank her. Our match journey had just begun!

Miracle 1. The miscarriage that had a due date that drew me to put in our profile for this situation.
Miracle 2. Timing. If the prep-work to get approved had gone faster, we would have signed with the GA consulting group and I would have never submitted our profile. Even though getting off the roller coaster of the adoption wait earlier would have had its perks, Heavenly Father knew what baby belonged to our family. It wasn't about having a baby as soon as possible; it was about having the baby that was supposed to be a part of our family.
Miracle 3. The fact that I saw the post on FB about the expectant mother before I heard the negative things about the attorney. That way, I submitted my profile before I got scared off. 
Miracle 4. Temecula, CA. Heavenly Father knows what he's doing. I will share the same stomping grounds as my son's birthplace. 
Miracle 5. The long match enabled me to focus on people that I wouldn't have been able to if I was actively searching every day.
Miracle 6. My sister's neighbor used the attorney--the missing piece that calmed our troubles about the situation. 
Miracle 7. The birth parents chose us!