Connor's Adoption Story: Part 2~The Wait

We were officially matched, and I couldn't believe it! The attorney sent us ultrasound pictures of baby boy and a picture of the birth mother, and it made it feel so much more real! The birth parents desired a semi-open adoption, meaning communication throughout the pregnancy and then pictures and updates afterwards. The birth mother and I texted back and forth each week the first few months, and I got to know little tidbits about her. I am so grateful I had that opportunity! We also had the opportunity to get to know the birth father, which is more rare in the adoption world, but we are so grateful we were able to!

One of my first purchases for Connor! 

Waiting through the match was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I went from actively trying to find ways for us to adopt every day to processing the "just waiting." It was hard not to worry if the birth parents would change their mind, even though there were no signs of that happening. The birth mother was reluctant to go to doctor appointments and so we only had the one ultrasound to cling to for the entire pregnancy. It was hard not getting the medical updates to see if the baby was okay. For me, the match and wait was an act of faith. I kept having to tell myself that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. Having faith was the only thing I could do because everything else was out of my hands.

At first I was nervous to buy things in preparation for the baby, but Ben kept encouraging us to have faith and that if this baby boy was supposed to be ours, the worst thing we could do was to not get excited because we were too nervous to get attached. So we were cautiously optimistic. I started slowly getting the nursery ready. Step by step, it made me realize--wow, we really will be parents one day one way or another!

Although it was fun to start preparing for the baby, whenever I went to Babies R' Us or any baby related store, I felt a little like a hypocrite. A child was growing in my heart, but what if I was just dreaming? I saw all the expectant mothers walking around, and I felt out of place. I kept putting off buying baby boy clothes because I knew that would make this baby seem so much more real, which was exciting but vulnerable. For the last few years of infertility, baby clothes stores were hard for me to enter. Adorable, yes, but painful for my heart. Finally, eight weeks before the due date, I took a deep breath and entered the first baby clothes store. I was actually nervous to enter! As I bought our baby his first outfit, pure joy filled my heart. I knew that this baby was already so loved by us as much as I was trying to protect myself from being hurt. 

To sum it up, the wait during the match was a roller coaster. Some days were so exciting and some days were filled with worries of the "what ifs." However, the birth mother assured us she would not change her mind, and that was such a relief to us. 

Early on into the match, we knew that we wanted to name this baby boy Connor, a dear family name to me. Having a name picked for Connor made it all the more real. We prayed for Connor each morning and night. We talked about him. And, oh, how we wished for him! We could not decide on a middle name. Nothing felt quite right. When Ben's brother's cancer returned full-force in July and we knew he would be returning to his heavenly home, we knew we wanted to name him Connor Joshua. Josh had been such a strength of faith, perseverance, hard work, charity, fatherhood and more. He truly left a legacy of faith. We miss Josh so much and will always tell our children what an amazing Uncle Josh they have. Connor's earthly entrance and Josh's earthly departure are so intertwined for us; Josh passed eleven days before Connor entered the world. The month before Connor's birth was a whirlwind with our family focusing on Josh's last moments here, but there was no where else we would rather have been. As we prepared to say a mortal goodbye to our dear brother, we were preparing our hearts to be parents to this sweet baby boy. So many sacred experiences touch our entrance and exit from this world. To see the holiness of both events in such a short span reaffirmed to me the eternal nature of our spirits and that families are forever. We lived before we came here, and we will live again!

In June, Connor's birth mom told us she thought he would be born early. We didn't know how early that meant, and so ever since June, we felt like we were on stand-by. Our phones were always out and we incessantly checked them. As our match went from five months until the due date, down to four, then three, to two, and finally one, it started to feel more real than ever before.

Through the spectrum of emotions that comes with adoption, the sweetness of friends and family sustained me. I had some dear friends throw an adorable book-themed baby shower for me, and my cousin and sister threw a BYU themed baby shower for me. The generosity and well-wishes of others really touched me. Others' excitement gave myself permission to be excited, and I am so grateful for that! I was looking forward to the family shower Ben's side was throwing, but due to unforeseen circumstances, they threw the shower without me.

To Be Continued...